I've noticed something about a growing number of folks who drive SUVs, pickup trucks, Humvees lately. We all have our daily commutes, and many of us have to drive across railroad tracks, potholes, garage entrances or crappy roads to get there. And a lot of us drive the aforementioned vehicles. We see them in TV commercials or on construction sites, driving off-road, pulling a friggin train, or getting your family of 7 cross country to Grandma's in record time. These vehicles began life as 'utility' vehicles that were ruggedly designed and built for a less-than-perfect operating environment and somehow got adopted by families who suddenly 'needed' four wheel drive station wagons to brave the treacherous off road conditions of the local soccer field.
So why in the FUCK do you morons feel the need to slow down to a barely perceptible crawl before taking your oh-so-fragile vehicle over the tiniest of bumps? In my daily commute I have no choice but to cross a railroad track to reach the interstate. Inevitably, a few times a week I'll get behind some loon in an F-350 Ford dually, or a Hummer H2, or GMC Yukon who, when approaching said tracks at the 35mph speed limit, will STOP his or her vehicle and crawl across them before resuming speed. Is there a train coming? No. Is this a well worn, or rough road crossing? Again, no.
I watch these same morons when I pull into the parking lot at work. The lot is slightly above the level of the entrance road, so, naturally, there is a bump. Most folks, myself included, just zip right in since you barely feel it when you enter. SUV drivers? Nope. They slam on the brakes about a half mile before they enter the lot, and creep at 3mph until they get up the fearsome 'bump' and then park normally.
Surely I am not the only one to see these cretins in daily life. I'd honestly like to know why in the hell they do this. I am sure I'd get answers like 'Well, the bumps jar my teeth/hemorrhoids/weak bladder because the ride is so rough'. Guess what. Like it or not, you bought a truck. Yes, it's a fucking truck. Not a damned Town Car, Benz, Lexus or Bentley. So guess what? Surprise! It's gonna drive like a truck, squeak like a truck and sound like a truck. It's not a 'big poofy car', it's a manly vehicle that wipes its ass with the sandpaper that is your Honda Civic. It's going to fart, belch, grunt and work hard if you ask it to, kinda like Uncle Billy. If it bothers you to drive it so much that you half to slow to a crawl to negotiate a pisant's rear, you don't need to be driving the friggin' thing. You are obviously a pettite flower who needs to be coddled in the rich, Corinthian leather of your Grandpa's Chrysler Cordoba so please, for the love of God, stop it!
PS - And if you're not going to stop it, then let's get the advertising managers for the major automakers together to rethink their campaigns. We don't need to see how your new trucks and SUVs can pull a freight train, or haul lumber, or get a family to a favorite off road camping spot. What we really want are those highlights that illustrate mom tossing her extra ass cushion out the window because the new 'kinder and gentler' SUV cradles her perfectly over that obnoxious bump caused by some old bubblegum carelessly tossed on the highway.
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