Get out of the SUV, back away slowly and no one gets hurt

I've noticed something about a growing number of folks who drive SUVs, pickup trucks, Humvees lately. We all have our daily commutes, and many of us have to drive across railroad tracks, potholes, garage entrances or crappy roads to get there. And a lot of us drive the aforementioned vehicles. We see them in TV commercials or on construction sites, driving off-road, pulling a friggin train, or getting your family of 7 cross country to Grandma's in record time. These vehicles began life as 'utility' vehicles that were ruggedly designed and built for a less-than-perfect operating environment and somehow got adopted by families who suddenly 'needed' four wheel drive station wagons to brave the treacherous off road conditions of the local soccer field.

So why in the FUCK do you morons feel the need to slow down to a barely perceptible crawl before taking your oh-so-fragile vehicle over the tiniest of bumps? In my daily commute I have no choice but to cross a railroad track to reach the interstate. Inevitably, a few times a week I'll get behind some loon in an F-350 Ford dually, or a Hummer H2, or GMC Yukon who, when approaching said tracks at the 35mph speed limit, will STOP his or her vehicle and crawl across them before resuming speed. Is there a train coming? No. Is this a well worn, or rough road crossing? Again, no.

I watch these same morons when I pull into the parking lot at work. The lot is slightly above the level of the entrance road, so, naturally, there is a bump. Most folks, myself included, just zip right in since you barely feel it when you enter. SUV drivers? Nope. They slam on the brakes about a half mile before they enter the lot, and creep at 3mph until they get up the fearsome 'bump' and then park normally.

Surely I am not the only one to see these cretins in daily life. I'd honestly like to know why in the hell they do this. I am sure I'd get answers like 'Well, the bumps jar my teeth/hemorrhoids/weak bladder because the ride is so rough'. Guess what. Like it or not, you bought a truck. Yes, it's a fucking truck. Not a damned Town Car, Benz, Lexus or Bentley. So guess what? Surprise! It's gonna drive like a truck, squeak like a truck and sound like a truck. It's not a 'big poofy car', it's a manly vehicle that wipes its ass with the sandpaper that is your Honda Civic. It's going to fart, belch, grunt and work hard if you ask it to, kinda like Uncle Billy. If it bothers you to drive it so much that you half to slow to a crawl to negotiate a pisant's rear, you don't need to be driving the friggin' thing. You are obviously a pettite flower who needs to be coddled in the rich, Corinthian leather of your Grandpa's Chrysler Cordoba so please, for the love of God, stop it!

PS - And if you're not going to stop it, then let's get the advertising managers for the major automakers together to rethink their campaigns. We don't need to see how your new trucks and SUVs can pull a freight train, or haul lumber, or get a family to a favorite off road camping spot. What we really want are those highlights that illustrate mom tossing her extra ass cushion out the window because the new 'kinder and gentler' SUV cradles her perfectly over that obnoxious bump caused by some old bubblegum carelessly tossed on the highway.

Things the Geek Squad DOESN'T want you to know

In my professional career, I have been exposed to a variety of environments, the latest of which involves a company whose image seems everywhere these days, the Geek Squad. They come to your house in their black-and-white Volkswagen Beetles, dressed in the 'agent' (that's what they call themselves) uniform of white shirt, black pants, and clip-on tie.

In the event a home computer user has an issue or problem with their desktop or laptop PC, these 'highly trained' agents will make it all better again, for a nominal fee.

This month's Booger Eating Moron award goes to the Geek Squad and Best Buy, who have proved that a good marketing shtick can and will triumph over competence. I would like to share with you, the reader, firsthand knowledge of how life operates within this organization should your beloved PC or laptop ever need be shipped off to repair. I worked in the Geek Squad's newest and largest service center, and felt compelled to share with you some of the 'dirty laundry' that may give you pause the next time you need to ship a unit off to service.

The most distressing thing you'll want to know is that aside from being taught the 'culture' of the Geek Squad and how cool dressing in a clip-on tie is, all newly hired employees are given ZERO training on how to repair your laptop or desktop unit. There are no service manuals from HP, Gateway, Sony or anyone else placed at work areas. There is no one there to show 'agents' how to properly disassemble or reassemble units without damaging them. The only 'training' that Johnny gets when he comes to work is the luxury of sitting side-by-side for a week with another 'agent' who went through this selfsame process weeks or months ago. Doesn't it make you feel good to know that someone has just turned 'drive-thru window' Johnny loose on your pride and joy with a screwdriver and a pat on the back?

Certifications? A+, net+, MCSE? Not only are they not required, most agents don't have any certification whatsoever or have them 'blanketed' in from a manufacturer for meeting certain costs-per-repair criteria. Yes, some agents have credentials, but this is far from the norm. Even the designated 'Super Senior' agents whose job it is to diagnose your issues are rarely certified, and most have never seen the inside of a laptop until they begin tearing yours open.

What's worse is there is a complete lack of guidance organization-wide. Service centers are held responsible for meeting certain values by corporate vice presidents and bean counters, values which often conflict with what is in the interest of us, the consumer. Managers are held to 'productivity' numbers, in that regardless of skills or lack of training, mean each repair 'team' must complete 'x' units per day or face write-ups or termination. Corporate buzz-words such as 'turn time' (how long your unit is in the shop) and 'cost per complete' (how much was spent on used parts to make repairs -you did KNOW they put used parts in your unit oftentimes, right?)
are the bell-weathers inside the company.

Training once you've started working on the inside? Forget it. Sure, they have the occasional one-day class on how to turn on and use a soldering iron, or to show new employees how to navigate software to enter repair information, but that's it. There's no class to introduce or go over new and changing models or features, no support or training for those who would like to become certified, and zero training on a set procedure for even making a basic diagnostic. They instead rely on the judgement of folks they hope know what they're doing, backed up by some in-house software package of diagnostic tools. If your computer doesn't currently power on, woe unto those left up to the quality of the 'guesser' it ends up with.

Lack of training continues with management. There are no classes for diversity training, proper resolution of confrontations in the workplace, harassment, or any other kind of policy. There is no road map given to managers for educating their employees to be more knowledgeable, better trained, or productive. There are no guidelines posted anywhere for managers to refer to when a situation arises, and are left to their own devices. However, the company is quick to terminate suspected 'cancers' for any or all reasons. I witnessed nearly an entire team get terminated because one bad employee sent a customer an inappropriate email. A whole team, including its manager. Most definitely, the offending person needed to be counseled, if not terminated, but to coldly wipe out the livelihoods of fellow men and women was uncalled for. Yes, the manager should have some accountability, but he has no way of knowing who does and doesn't follow the rules 100% of the time. There was no warning, no 'grace period', nothing. There is a wide disparity in how issues that arise are resolved with no continuity within the center. How are managers supposed to know where 'the line' is, if all they have are vague, overreaching statements in an employee handbook? And worse, how do you think these agents feel knowing they could lose their job for any first-time failure, depending on how corporate folks saw things? All while being told that they must repair 'x' units a day or face write-ups? Wow, Johnny sure is under a lot of pressure, let's hope your unit goes through on a good day. And no, this writer was not involved in this incident, nor is it the reason for this article.

And finally, let's not assume that the issues with these agents are isolated to a service center. Having 'been there, done that' I can personally attest to these agents sending in units with little to no idea why they are sending them in. In fact, a great many come shipped in from stores with diagnostic notes such as 'no workee, plz fix', or 'computer doesn't turn on but WHEN it does 'x' doesn't work' Doesn't that make you feel good about the quality of repair you're about to receive?

In closing, while the expansion of the Geek Squad into your everyday life seems inevitable it pays to do your homework. Those 'hole in the wall' shops you've seen in strip malls and converted houses are still there for a reason - your chances of finding a competent and friendly person to perform your repairs are simply much higher - that's why they're still in business. You won't see these large corporations touting 'All of our technicians are A+ certified' or MCSE, or anything else. They simply don't care, as long as you buy into the fact the looking the part equates to being able to do the job. The founder of Geek Squad, Robert Stephens, had the right idea when he created his company back in the 1990's. It's a shame that with his sell-out to Best Buy a few years ago his vision was kicked to the curb.